cautionarytale | 130

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130 - video

[Elle's wearing a nice blouse and has done something with her hair. There's a lit cigarette between her fingers. She's going for the glamorous look today.]

Who does a girl have to not kill to graduate around here? I haven't killed anybody in, like, forever. Some of you people have graduated, right? So what's the requirement to get off this boat?

[She pauses, takes a drag of the cigarette and blows out a cloud of smoke. She nearly starts coughing, but catches herself and flashes the most innocent of smiles at the camera.]

Call me curious, but I can't help wondering what's keeping you in a place like this. Not just the wardens who've graduated. Any of you. I keep hearing phrases like "the greater good" and "saving souls" tossed around, but that's so... [She waves the hand with the cigarette around. Look at her cigarette, barge. Doesn't it make her look mature?] ...nebulous. You know? What's really keeping you here?

[She frowns, for a split second looking like nothing so much as a sad, confused little kid. She raises the cigarette to her lips again, takes a deep breath, and VERY QUICKLY switches to written. The coughing fit that ensues will stay her own dark secret.]

[private to Adam]

Sorry if I was mean about Judas.

[surprise!spam for Howie]

[As usual, no knocking, just an attempt to open the door and walk into Howie's room like she owns the place.]

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[He nodded and sat on the edge of the table instead back in the chair. It was closer, and he was a little worried.] "Any particular reason?"

[That wasn't really what he thought he should be saying, and looked directly up at her,] "What's wrong, Elle? Why did you come?"

"No reason." [She shook her head and set the water down next to him.]

"Did you make a deal with the Admiral? Do you get something if you fix me?"

[He'd anticipated being asked this question, from her post, but wasn't sure if that was why she was here or not. Either way, he wasn't going to lie.]

"No, I don't, and I didn't." [There was a slightly nervous glance at her. He anticipated her asking why, and his answer was... a little more nebulous than she'd probably want.]

"You could go back to your fiancee, I bet. Stupid Libby got to run off and find her one true tub-o'-lard. You're better than she was." [She picked the glass back up and took another sip. Maybe smoking hadn't been a smart idea.]

"Why didn't you?" [She glanced up at him, wondering why, if he had the chance, he wouldn't want to get something out of this.]

[He nodded,] "I know I could, and don't think... I haven't thought about it." [He ignored the comment about Libby, even if he was both a little flattered, and a little annoyed by it.] "I'd be a liar if I didn't wake up some mornings and wish there was a way home."

[He swallowed hard,] "At first, I was - still am - convinced that my death was God's will. I didn't want to undo it. I..." [Well, if he was being honest here,] "I guess the best way I had of dealing with what happened was constantly telling myself that my death had some kind of holy purpose, aye?" [He looked down at his hands for a moment in thought,] "And then Rose came, and I'm scared that if I re-write history in my favour, someone else'll die in my place. She'll never learn her lesson. I'll have undone her redemption as well as my own death."

[After a moment, he ran his hand through his hair and looked up at her,] "But more than anything, I'm glad I didn't, because I think it'd probably cloud my judgement. Make this about more than just... helping you. It'd totally ruin my focus."

[Elle frowned. Some of that was strange and required a bit of thought to sort through. Selfless people could be really weird.]

"I doubt if the Admiral was going to fix things for you, he would unfix them for her. Since he went to the trouble and everything." [Elle hated the Admiral. A lot. But if he was going to bother 'redeeming' Rose, he probably wouldn't undo that. She didn't touch on the God's will thing - it sounded pretty dumb to her, but anything she said about it would probably just annoy Howie.]

"So what happens if... Afterwards, what happens to you?"

[Oh. That... it actually felt like being stabbed in the stomach a little. Not that it was her fault, but it was a legitimate question, and one his answer was getting shakier on by the day.]

"I'd like to believe I go to Heaven. If I've earnt it." [His tone was slightly bitter on the last sentence, and he couldn't quite hide it. He'd like to think he'd earnt it, but recent events meant he was unsure.]

"I forced myself to accept my death before it happened. So I believe I'm going to Heaven."

[Elle picked up on the bitterness in his voice, but her mind refused to process what it meant. If Heaven existed - which she didn't believe - Howie had earned it.]

"The whole graduation thing..." [she started, then drifted off. She wasn't sure how to phrase this.] "What happens in the next prison, with the next guy who wants me to be whatever he wants me to be? I can't really tell the difference between right and wrong on my own. It's like science or something, I have to learn it. And it's not usually the same, depending on who you ask. I tried to be what my dad wanted me to be, and if I tried to, to graduate, I'd be doing it because you want me to. But if I just ended up someplace like here again..." [She sent a contemplative little spark of electricity into the arm of the chair.] "I keep ending up places like here. What happens in the next one with the next guy trying to teach me his version of morality?"

[He stared at the floor for a very long moment. He hadn't really thought of it like that, and he could see why she was saying it, and where she was coming from. After a moment of wringing his hands in thought, he eventually looked up at her.]

"I think... you asked what you have to do to graduate around here. You have to make your own sense of morality. I'm not judging you by mine. We'd be here forever if I judged any inmate by mine."

[He paused, as this was difficult to explain,] "You have to have the means to make those decisions yourself, Elle. So if you did end up in another place like this, and God forbid you do, you could say you believed you were right. You could make judgements, and you didn't just... accept the morality you were told."

[There was another moment where he tried to find the part of him that used to write sermons, and find a little eloquence or at least decent phrasing in trying to explain this,] "Nobody's version of morality is inherently better than someone else's. That's why law exists - to iron out the differences, to set out moral standards for a society. If you trust me, listen to my version of morality, but question it too. The point of this, Elle, is not for me to give you my moral compass, but to help you fix yours. I hope that answers your question. I don't know."

[It was an answer, at least.] "I don't believe in Heaven." [It would be nice to go somewhere where she didn't have to worry about... any of this stuff. But she didn't think really nice places could actually exist.

She frowned at him. It was neither accusing nor upset, it was just a frown.] "Would you rather be there?"

"I'm not asking you to. A lot of good people I know don't."

[That last question was a kicker, though, and he took a very hard breath inwards and buried his head in his hands,] "No. I have been promised my life eternal, and I will get it." [He just had to, after the way he'd been kicked in the teeth by God] "But I'd rather be alive than not. I'd rather be here, doing good, than simply in Heaven. I... I had my chance to help others do the right thing, do good, taken from me twice in my lifetime. I wanted to finish what I'd started, I wanted to carry on, and I still do."

"If I tried, like, really tried, I'd do it so you could get what you wanted. I don't really need a second chance, and like I keep saying, the whole right and wrong thing..." [She rolled her eyes a little. Why was everything always about stupid morality?]

"Is that..." [She grimaced and looked down at her hands.] "I mean, is that...?"

[He hadn't expected that. He'd actually expected that if he ever told her he wanted something out of it, he'd look like he had double standards or something. He hadn't expected her to want him to want something. And he certainly hadn't expected her to say something like that.

He stared for a long moment at her.]

"I... I don't think I've ever heard you say something so selfless, Elle."

[And he didn't know what to say to it. He looked down at his hands again, only because he was aware he'd stared,] "It's... a good thing for you to want, Elle, it is. To be concerned about what someone else wants, and wanting to make that happen for them. That's... a brilliant thing, don't get me wrong. But I could never put that pressure on you, I... it would be selfish of me, and I don't know if I..."

[He paused for a moment and thought.] "If I thought of something I actually wanted, and told you what it was, would it change... what do you think would be different?"

[She hadn't expected him to be so excited about it. She'd thought he'd be disappointed that she didn't want to graduate for the sake of graduating.]

"I dunno." [She'd gone into this conversation assuming there was something specific he wanted. The idea that he only wanted to help her was sweet, though she still thought that exactly how much this counted as 'helping' was debatable. Now that she really thought about it, if there was something specific he wanted, it might feel too much like he didn't care about her, just the reward. Even though she knew it wasn't like that, it might not be all that great.] "I might be weird, I guess. But I don't have any other reason."

"Which... Elle, that's why whilst it's... actually very selfless in intent, I can't accept that. I could come up with something to ask for." [He'd actually had some ideas of late, but still thought it wasn't the way to go about this.] "But I won't, because, I know there's other reasons. I know that... you can do the right thing for your own sake. For the sake of the world around you, hell, for it's own sake, even. I know you don't buy that now, and I'm not expecting you to magically see it... But... I think you just offered to do good for someone else's sake. Which definitely tells me you will."

[He was a little more determined not to focus on the criticisms quite as much, and find positives in things, to demonstrate that this wasn't all about what she was doing wrong.]

[Elle nodded. She was both relieved that he really did care about her enough to turn down her offer and a little disappointed that it felt, for some reason, like being back at square one.]

"Okay."

[He paused, and looked up at her thoughtfully, because there was a lot going off he had to think about, but one question seemed the most important.]

"What made you think about this, Elle?"

[Elle pressed the heels of her hands against the seat of her chair and leaned forward, looking up at him almost expectantly.] "I told you I ran out of reasons to stop Sylar killing me. I've run out of reasons period. Doing something nice for you would be something, at least."

[Pushing against the seat of the chair to lift herself out of it, she stood up and circled around behind Howie, running a finger across the back of his shoulder. She snapped a spark at the back of his ear before leaning forward to drape her arms around his shoulders from behind.

She'd never had a relationship where she could be physical but not sexual, at least not that she remembered. Her father had occasionally patted her on the shoulder, and Bennet had touched her arm once, but that was it as far as platonic went. It was a strange set of boundaries, and she was still feeling around the edges of them, trying to figure them out. She liked physical affection, but she didn't want to push too far and upset Sergeant Straight-Laced.]

"You're kinda all I've got left." [She didn't like admitting it, but there it was. She barely talked to Adam anymore, and Sylar was all kinds of complicated. Everyone else was gone.]

[Howie paused. He was about to say something in response to that, but he hadn't quite been sure what, and then she shocked him and he tried not to jump. It still surprised him sometimes, even when it shouldn't. What she said next, and her arms around his shoulders made him breathe in a little uncertainly. But he'd deal with it for now, because the conversation was more important than what she was doing, and it didn't bother him much.

He glanced up at her, over his shoulder and nodded,] "I'm... I'm glad there is a reason, Elle, but... I don't want to be all you have left. I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be here, but I don't want to be all of it. You can have more than that, you know, and you will. I'm sure of it. It'll be alright."

"I was sleeping with that guy Vince," [she admitted.] "He left. Damon the vampire left, not long after..." [Oh right, Howie would be mad about the blood-drinking thing. Let him think she'd slept with Damon too.] "I've been married twice and both of those guys left. I kissed a girl once. She left. I had a little bit of a thing with Dean Winchester, and he left. And yesterday made it exactly one year since Peter left."

[She let out a soft sigh of frustration.] "So many people keep trying to find ways off this boat. I'm starting to think making out with me'll do the trick."

[Howie shifted a little awkwardly, because this was a weird thing to discuss with her arms around his neck. He did frown a little, and put his hand on her arm gently, only wanting to reassure her,] "That... I'm sorry, Elle. But not everyone leaves. If I stay, other people do too. They will."

[He looked back over his shoulder at her again,] "People keep leaving on me too. Usually after promising to come back. None that I've made out with, admittedly, but... I don't blame them for leaving. I wish they wouldn't, but... I'm sorry you keep getting left behind by people, I am. I can't do anything about it, but not everyone will leave you."

[Elle scoffed, partly at the idea that some people wouldn't leave and partly at how self-pitying she must sound. The hand on her arm was nice, and she stayed where she was for a moment, enjoying it.

Finally, she dropped her arms from his shoulders and circled around to sit next to him on the table.] "I wasn't a very good girlfriend," [she said, staring straight ahead.]

[He leant forward on his knees, staring ahead for a moment,] "Oh, aye? What makes you say that?"

"I cheated on Peter." [She frowned as a thought crossed her mind, then turned sharply to Howie.] "If he comes back, you can't ever tell him." [Not that he was coming back, but just in case. Considering how mad he'd been when she'd flirted with another guy...]

[He winced a little,] "I won't. Can I ask why?" [He... could understand the desire to do it. He'd nearly done it once already, and the less said about Sveta and him in the past week the better.]

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notifs. dammit.

s'ok

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