cautionarytale | 098 - probably backdated a little bit

"She wanted to be normal too." [That probably proved Howie's point that nobody was really normal, but the other Elle had believed she could've been without her ability, and maybe that was true.] "She hurt people without meaning to, people were after her. Peter said she was bitter."

"Did he say what she thought she was bitter about?" [Howie could go with that description, in his head, so followed it up with,] "Did you think that if people like you being after her made her hate her power, you perhaps are making other people resent their power, making them bitter too?"

"It's necessary." [That was all the explanation Elle had ever been given for any of the things the Company did, and it was all the explanation she'd ever needed.

[Howie shook his head,] "That's not reasoning. Necessary is always debatable as a term. It's the sort of reasoning people use to justify something they can't justify another way. Why is it necessary?"

"There are dangerous people we keep contained, and we teach people how to use their powers, and we have to do research..." [Elle trailed off and absently shot a spark from the tip of her left forefinger into the tip of her right.]

"Yes, but in exchange for teaching people how to use them, you're treating people like lab rats. Like some kind of experiment. Don't you think she resented being treated like an experiment?" [Howie knew he was probably going quite close to the bone there, but also felt he had to. He could tell she was just giving him the equivalent of the party line.]

[Elle didn't have to bother remembering how the other Elle felt about being treated like an experiment, she knew how it felt.

She folded her legs in front of her, drawing in on herself while trying not to look like that's what she was doing.] "I don't know what I'm supposed to think about anything anymore," [she said in a very small voice.]

[Howie watched her body language and felt a little guilty. He knew it was, of course, about her, as much as the other her.] "Because of the flood? Elle, it's more important what you do think, than what you're supposed to think. Don't worry about repeating what anyone has told you, just think what you do think - don't worry about supposed to and not supposed to. Do you think the way you were treated was bad? Don't tell me what you were told to think about it, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Just tell me what you think."

"I don't like it. But Daddy did it to make me better, right? So I'd know all about my ability." [The other option was that her father simply hadn't cared, but if that were the case, she'd spent her whole life trying to get him to show affection he didn't even feel. And she was pretty sure that if her own father couldn't love her, that didn't say anything good about her. So she desperately wanted to believe he'd done it for her own good.]

"Do you really believe that? Or is that what you've got to tell yourself to make it okay? People do that, when either doing things which are wrong, or sometimes when they've had them done to them; they want to believe it was for their own good, or some greater ideal. Do you really think that, or is that the only justification you can come up with?" [Howie frowned because it sounded quite harsh, but also quite true.] "Was knowing about your ability worth everything that was done to you by him?"

"I don't know," [Elle admitted.] "I think it was. I don't know why he did it, though." [Maybe if it had turned out for the best, it didn't matter why. Maybe.]

[He had to stop and think again, and stared at the ceiling for a moment as he did so,] "Do you think that it's important why?" [He paused and asked another question which had just struck him as relevant,] "Did he treat you like he treated everyone else? All the... other people with powers?" [Not that Howie was one for double standards, but treating your own daughter like an experiment seemed... worse. Far worse. He mainly wanted to know if she could see that.]

"Yeah, he did. But... if he did it to make me better, then it's okay. If he did it 'cause he didn't care, then... I dunno."

"Do you think... did he do anything to make you think he did care? Did he ever show you that he cared? Do you think he did it to the others because he wanted to make them better, or because he didn't care?"

"He loved me," [Elle insisted angrily. That was one thing she'd believed completely her entire life, and even if she was starting to doubt, she wanted to cling to it.]

[Howie expected the anger, because it was hardly an easy subject for anyone to deal with, and... he didn't want to inflict it upon her, but he equally didn't think he had a choice.] "Do you think someone who loved you would have done that to you? Do you think he really would have treated you just like everyone else with that kind of ability? Or, if he did, do you think he really understood what it meant? What... a father should do for his daughter if he really loves her?" [He thought of the people on the island, and their children, and how they did love them, but if it came to it, he was equally convinced they would sacrifice them too, or, if nothing else, lead them into participating in murder. It was still a concept he could not quite get his head around.] "I'm sorry if that was harsh, but... you have to think about it, surely."

"My father loved me!" [Elle was pretty sure it was the testosterone that made her bang her fist on the coffee table, because she normally wouldn't have.] "He wouldn't've..." [She stood up, trying to feel bigger than she was, then realized how dumb that was and sat down again.] "If he didn't love me, what am I supposed to do?"

[Howie was fairly sure in that moment, he was going to get punched, especially when she stood up. He's not sure he would have blamed her. He did push himself back from her defensively, but was a little relieved it came to nothing, but resolved to remember that she was a man and a fist in the face was much more likely.] "I don't know. You're allowed to be angry, or upset, at him. Nobody's going to say you're not. But you've got to find the people who do care about you and treat you like they do and place value in them, in that. It... I am sorry."

[Elle glanced at Howie, noticing he'd drawn back from her. That made her feel better, in a way. More in control.

She stood up again and crossed her arms.] "You think if I got better at my job he'd..." [Well, no, he was dead of course. If he'd never loved her before, there was no way he'd ever be able to love her now. That just made her miserable, so she kicked the coffee table over, which hurt her foot.

She shot Howie a glare, daring him to laugh as she hopped in place on one foot.]

[Howie stood up, and was relatively glad she'd come to that kind of realisation herself, and didn't laugh at her. The situation wasn't funny, even if she'd just demonstrated a brilliant bit of slapstick.] "You alright? That's not really going to solve anything, you know, kicking things." [He put the table back where it should be, but looked up at her the whole time,] "It's only going to end like that."

"It made me feel better," [she snapped, putting her foot down and trying her best not to wince. She crossed her arms defensively.] "What's wrong with me?" [She knew the answer to that question - in fact, she had a very long list in answer to that question. But she'd grown up believing that Daddy was always right, and if he couldn't love her it had to be her own fault.]

[Howie, in a different context, had another list in answer to that question, but he knew that wasn't why she was asking.] "I think it'd be better to ask what's wrong with him, if I'm honest. It's not your fault, Elle. It really isn't. You're supposed to love your kids unconditionally, like God loves us." [He didn't exactly mean to go there, but it was still a strong force of habit.]

[Elle ignored the religious comment. In fact, she opted to ignore everything he'd said. She'd had plenty for one day.] "Okay, I talked. When do I get my ability back?"

[Howie frowned a little,] You can't cut off like that, you know. Look, you can have some more if you go do some work in the kitchen or the library. The kitchen. I don't really care if you don't know what you're doing, most people don't. Get out there and meet people and do something constructive. Do that and then I think it's even. [He had said talking was a good place to start, and meant it. Not to mention, he was fairly sure she needed a sense of purpose outside Peter.]

"You said if I talked I'd get my ability back! You didn't say anything about the kitchen!" [Elle sulked. She hated the stupid kitchen.]

098 - probably backdated a little bit

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Spam it is! - bwahaha. I'm laughing, elle.

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