cautionarytale

Entry tags:

huzzah it's progress

093

What really happens when you graduate? You just go back home and everybody acts like you never died and that's that? End of story?

[private to Howie]

Serious question. You fix me, you put me all back together again and somebody somewhere deems me fit and good and ready to blow this dump. And then what? Am I just supposed to, I dunno... be a waitress?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's not a job, that's a chore.

Aye, but it's something to do. I know I'd go nuts if I had nothing to do.

What is a job, then? And what do you miss about it?

I miss... being out in he world and ...I dunno, finding people.

What do you mean by finding people?

Isn't that... something you can aim for, though. I mean, you asked what you can do when you graduate and there's... that's a start. You can be out in the world and doing stuff.

I mean tracking them down. The job I did for the Company. The job I got fired from, by the way, so I can't exactly go home and do that.

I want my old job back.

Ah, I see.

That job. No, I guess you can't have that job back, and to be honest, it's probably a good thing.

There's more to the world than the Company, you know. Which I guess is the point I was trying to, hamfistedly, make about Peter and Adam.

I know there's more than the Company! I just... I don't know what it is.

Which is, bringing me back to my original point, why you should take time to talk to other people. That's the best way to find out.

I can talk to other people. But I don't need friends.

Why not?

Friends make you weak. And you're supposed to share stuff. I don't need that.

They don't make you weak. If anything, they make you stronger, if you want to look at it like that. They help you out when you need it and you can rely on them for things. You have to give it back of course, but they don't make you weak. You can't rely on yourself all the time. Nobody can.

I don't need to rely on anybody.

No, come on, we all do. I rely on people, there's nothing wrong with it. I want people to be able to rely on me, too.

I don't want to rely on anybody and I don't want anybody relying on me. I'll let them down and they'll let me down and it'll suck for everybody.

You won't let them down, and they won't let you down either. Real friends'll try their best for you and if they let you down, it's only because they couldn't do any more.

It's better to do that than have nobody, and then when stuff goes really wrong, because it can, who do you turn to then?

I don't need anyone. I don't want to need anyone.

But it's an unavoidable fact of life. You're not isolated from the world, you live in a society. Even here, you live in a very small society. You need people. I need people. Everyone needs people.

People suck.

Why do people suck? What makes them suck?

Why do I suck?

I'm going to back away from this terminology now.

I don't want to wind up being locked in some room or as somebody's experiment. That's what happens when you let your guard down or trust the wrong person and I'm not gonna let it happen.

That's what happens when people take advantage of other people. Not everybody does that kind of thing. Not many people are that cruel, and it is cruel. I wouldn't do that, and I'm people. A person. You could take any one person, and their actions, and make it indicative of humanity, and base your reaction to others on that. But that's not fair on anyone.

If you don't want it doing to you, then why did you do it to people? Why were you the 'wrong person' that someone trusted?

How are you supposed to tell the difference between the ones that'll hurt you and the ones that won't? People are good liars.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. I'd rather eat than get eaten.

People are good liars, I won't dispute that. But that's no reason not to give people a chance. The ones who are lying can't keep it up forever. It'll become obvious who you can trust and who you can't, but you have to give people the chance. You have to, at least, at first, give them the opportunity to treat you like a decent person.

It's not always like that, though. It's not always zero-sum. You're the one inflicting the damage - you're the one at fault, doing something wrong, taking advantage of someone. Nobody will trust you if you do those things. They're more likely to take it out on you.

Like, I don't know. Robespierre. He was executed by his own committee. All the pain and suffering he inflicted came right back at him.

How do I know I can trust you?

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