cautionarytale

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127

Dear Santa,

You don't exist and I hate your holiday. But since you seem to show up here every year and grant wishes, here's mine: kill everyone on this boat. ["Except Vince and Adam" is scrawled in after the fact.]

No love,
Elle

Happy, Admiral? I wrote your stupid Christmas letter!

[private to Howie, after much hesitation]

I'm not alright.

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[Howie stepped inside and gave her a slight nod as he did so.] What do you want to talk about first?

[He could figure what was wrong himself, it was more a matter of talking about it]

[Elle shrugged.] "I... miss him." [She was pretty sure it was stupid to keep on missing Peter when he'd vanished twice now, but she knew Howie would say it was natural or something, so she kept that to herself.]

[Howie was about to say just that,] "That's alright, you know. It's horrible as hell, I know, but it's alright to miss someone."

[He paused and rubbed the back of his neck, considering this for a minute,] "I miss people, you know. A lot of people do."

"Yeah? And what do normal people do when they miss people?"

[He frowned,] "Lots of different things. I try to find things to keep myself busy and not think about it. But... it depends who you miss and why. I think me and Una did quite a considerable amount of drinking one time because we missed someone. Not that I recommend that as a solution."

"I've been doing quite a considerable amount of drinking," [Elle said, mimicking his accent as she echoed his words.] "It hasn't helped."

"It doesn't help, really. At least, not more than a couple of hours worth of help." [He stared down at the floor for a minute,] "I'm not sure what really helps, except time. It took me... months to get over the fact I'd never see Mary again, you know... But time and having someone to talk to it about help more than anything."

"Next you'll tell me sleeping around doesn't help, either." [Not that she'd been doing that. Per se.] "I don't want to wait for time to heal all wounds or whatever."

"I'm fairly sure that would actively make it worse. And you could already guess I'm going to say that's not a good idea."

[He sighed,] "But sometimes, that's all that works. It needs some patience, and I know it really, really hurts, and you just want it all gone at once, but... it's not that easy. If it were, it'd probably mean you didn't care for him that much to start with."

[Elle nods.] "I also... really do want my memories back."

{He gives her a slight nod in understanding,] I'll see what I can find out to help you. I'm sure some wardens will know something that can help you.

[Elle fidgeted, unsure of what to say. 'Talking to someone about it' was a sort of an okay idea, but other than 'I miss Peter' or 'I hate my dad,' she didn't know what she was supposed to say.] "Okay."

[He winced a little, feeling quite sorry that he couldn't give her a more immediate solution, even if he knew it was almost impossible.]

"I'll do what I can, I promise, Elle."

"Yeah, sure."

[HE frowned, a little disappointed in himself for not being able to do more,]

"Elle. If everything isn't alright, I want to do what I can to help. I'm not sure what that might be, though."

"I dunno either, sarge," [she said with a shrug.] "I dunno how to fix anything."

"Neither do I, sometimes, Elle." [He took a careful breath inwards,] "But I'm determined to figure something out, and I'll... I'll help you through anything you need, I promise."

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127

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